~~ Which local politician gets the prize for most shamelessly exploiting the memory of Matt Maupin? —Clermont County Veterans

~~ With only 217 more days till the November Elections, please don’t tell John McCain or my Pundit Puppet Bob Novak that I was the only person willing to have my name on the invitation for TLPMOT&SRB Mean Jean’s $250-per-person fund-raiser at the Queen City Club on Opening Day. —Rob “Furiously Fighting for Failed Legacies” Portman

~~ By this time everybody will know if I was able to embarrass myself throwing out the first pitch at the Reds Opening Day game more than Cincinnati’s Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory. — Hamilton County Commissioner Odd Todd Opportune

~~ Skaggie Maggie even had us put a picture of Mallory’s wild pitch on the front page of yesterday’s Life Section. —Metro Mole

~~ We used to be able to get really important people like presidents, vice presidents, and governors to throw out the first pitch, but lately we’re having to scrape the bottom of the barrel for local losers like Mallory and Odd Todd. —Señor Bob Castellini

~~ Wouldn’t it be funny if politicians were not permitted to have entries in our Opening Day Parade and some of them walked anyway without being registered or paying the fees? — Findlay Market Parade Committee

~~ Remember when Opening Day used to be really important, because the Reds always hosted Major League Baseball's first game of the season? —Abner Doubleday

~~ Remember when baseball used to be a game, and it wasn’t just about the money? —Members of the Big Red Machine

~~ Isn’t anybody tired of watching Señor Bob pay millions for mediocrity and hope his players over-achieve? —Real Reds Fans

~~ That’s why we chose Bob Lemon’s “Baseball was made for kids, and grown-ups only screw it up.” —Your Quote for Today Committee

~~ Baseball has been berry, berry good to me. — Chico Escuela

~~ Reporting from the ball park, I had to get somebody to hold an umbrella over my head so I wouldn’t get my bouffant hairdo wet. —Channel 9’s Dennis Janson

~~ Sneak in your own peanuts and Cracker Jacks, because this year Sports Service has jacked up its prices for a draft beer to $6.75 and a crappy hot dog to $5.00. —Andy FurBall

~~ Don’t forget the cost and hassle of parking. —Downtown Council

~~ A guy calls in sick for Opening Day. His boss asks "How sick are you?" The guy says, "I'm home having sex with my sister. Is that sick enough?” —Bobby Leach

~~ We certainly hope the Fishwrap provides this much coverage for the Florence Freedom’s home opener at Erpenbeck Stadium in just 50 more days. — Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo

~~ This year once again, I made sure Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane was not asked to throw out the first pitch. —Y’All Ville Mayor Blondie Whalen

~~ The Reds Opening Day is always a big day for us, because there’s no place else near the stadium to go after the game, unless you count the Empty Uppity Oprah Winfrey Campaigning for Obama, Under-funded, Ugly-ass Poorly-Planned Unnagraown Ray roe Museum Not-so-Free-dom Center.—Northern Kentucky Restaurants and Bars

~~ I thought they were going to ask me, but maybe their insurance wouldn’t cover my plunking just one more batter. —“BeanBall Jim” Bunning

~~ I’m already scheduled for Midget Tossing Night. —Steve “I’m 5’0, Not 4’11” Mergele

~~ ”Sticky Fingers” wants to know if they’re having an “Embezzlers Night.” —Vanilla Hills Civic Club

~~ How much is the beer at Erpenbeck Stadium? —Nathan “Cornbread” Smith and Michael Liquid Plummer

~~ How much is a side of beef? —Clueless Marc Wilson

~~ Did you know that baseball is Biblical? Eve stole first, Adam stole second and God threw them both out. —Bible Thumpers Museum

~~ In my new “tell all” book, you’ll read about guys who couldn’t get to first base. —Miss Vicki

~~ In Fort Mitchell our husbands don’t really know if they even got on base. —Uptight Bitches who fake their orgasms

~~ Today the Official Whistleblower Bluegrass Primary Election Countdown Calendar says there are only 49 more days until the Bluegrass primary elections. —The League of Women Vipers

~~ April Fool's Day comes once a year, but am I the biggest fool of all? —Goof Davis

~~ What do you mean Sunday’s edition of the Whistleblower wasn’t a real apology? —Fishwrap Editor Tom Callinan

~~ Could you tell us where to apply for the Whistleblower’s Summer Internship Program? —Unemployed Former ComPosters

~~ Are the Reds mathematically eliminated yet? —TV 19 News