~~ On this date Earth Day was invented on this date in 1970 by Dilettante DemocRAT US Senator Gaylord Nelson from Wisconsin so unwashed draft dodgers in college to protest had something else to protest besides the Vietnam War. — Hurley the Historian

~~ The best part about Earth Day is treating everybody like dirt. —Liberal lunatics whining and complaining and blaming George Bush and the Republicans for everything on Earth and still not coming up with solutions for any of the problems (real or imaginary) they profess to perceive

~~ Didn’t I show my concern for the environment when I got my picture in Monday’s Fishwrap for saying the City should empty our 2,379 trash cans once in a while? —Chris Monzel

~~ Why’d we change the name of tomorrow’s Secretary’s Day holiday to Administrative Professionals Day? It was cheaper than giving the gals a raise. —Male Chauvinist Employers of America

~~ We’re proud to be celebrating Happy Homo Day on Friday sponsored by McDonald’s. — St. Xavier High School

~~ If they could only fill Yankee Stadium for the Pope, surely Great American Ballpark won’t be big enough for all the people attending our dignified, private funeral services for Fallen Hero Matt Maupin at Great American Ball Park on Sunday. — Yellow Ribbon Center

~~ We’re still guessing Rob “Fighting Furiously for Failed Legacies” Portman’s chances of getting President Bush to fly in to deliver the eulogy are anywhere between 5 and 90 percent (yesterday it was up to 8%). —The Maupin County Police

~~ With only 196 more days till the November Elections, I need to know if I’ll still get to lead the Lord’s Prayer and the Pledge of Allegiance? —TLPMOT&SRB Mean Jean Schmidt

~~ We didn’t have a big front-page Maupin Mania story in Monday’s paper, but we did have a front-page ad for Webb-Noonan’s Veterans Funeral Care. —Feckless Fishwrappers

~~ We really wasted some of our best “Breaking News Alerts” at 1:30 AM because nobody was awake when the Earthquake’s aftershocks hit. —TV Weather Guessers

~~ The Disingenuous DemocRAT Presidential Primary campaign is reaching the Two-Crazed-Raccoons-In-A-Sack phase in Pennsylvania . —Whistleblower Senior National Political Affairs Analyst Britt Humus

~~ The best part about campaigning for my mom on that gay bar pub crawl in the City of Brotherly Love is having lesbians grab your ass. —Chelsea Clinton

~~ You can’t believe how outraged I really was when Pete Witte suggested putting Section 8 Housing at the Banks. — Cincinnati ’s Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory

~~ Please don’t ask where I stand on putting Section 8 Housing at the Banks during an election year. —Devious DemocRAT Odd Todd Opportune

~~ How stupid was I for introducing a firefighter bill with all that hoopla in Cincinnati at a union office which contains the same name and the exact language of a bill presented by a Colorado legislator three weeks ago? —Desperate DemocRAT U.S. Senator Sherrod Brown

~~ Did you read where the Dayton Daily News reported that Depraved DemocRAT Attorney General Marc Dann authorized his driver to carry a loaded, concealed weapon at all times as part of his job duties, even though he is not a law enforcement officer and state law prohibits non-law enforcement people from carrying guns into state-owned buildings such as the Statehouse and the Rhodes Tower where Dann has his office? —Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders

~~ We’re sorry we didn’t stock any kosher wine for Passover, but how about some stale left-over Hanukkah cookies? —Kroger’s at the Anderson Food Court

~~ With only 28 more days until our long-awaited Primary Elections in Kentucky on May 20, you’d think there would be a little more excitement. — Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo

~~ People keep asking me if I intend to throw out the first pitch at the Florence Freedom’s Opening Day on May 21. —Y’All Ville Mayor Blondie Whalen

~~ On Earth Day, are you still supposed to cut your grass? —Goof Doofus

~~ On Earth Day, is it OK to make love to sheep? —Gex “Rhymes With Sex” Williams

~~ On Earth Day, you don’t have to put money in parking meters, right? —Steve “I’m 5’0, Not 4’11” Mergele

~~ They say if the warming trend continues, by 2015 Hillary Clinton might actually thaw out." —Disappointed DemocRATS

~~ Here’s our Earth Day joke: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Because the chicken wasn't invented yet. —The Lizard Museum

~~ Never lend geologists money. They consider a million years recent. — Bluegrass Pawn Shops

~~ For Earth Day, I asked this hot tree hugger if she’d like to sit on my stump. —Bobby Leach

~~ For Earth Day, we chose the Kentucky Coal Miners Association’s new slogan: “Earth first, we’ll strip mine the rest of the planets later.” —Quote for Today Committee

~~ When do we celebrate Uranus? —TV 19 News