~~ After the 20-member community advisory panel chooses the new superintendent of the Failed Cincinnati Public Schools, perhaps they can use the same criteria for parents and students. Parents must prepare children for school by feeding and clothing them, helping them with homework, turning the TV off, stop doing drugs, go to work, pay school fees on time, monitor their child's off-campus behavior, volunteer for school events, attend PTA meetings, and raise money for the marching band and other organizations their little darlings belong to. That would assure the success of the new superintendent!

~~ Why is Cincinnati ’s Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory so mad at Pete Witless? The riverfront already has three of the biggest publicly-funded rat holes at Paul Brown Stadium, Medioicre American Ball Park , and the Empty Uppity Oprah Winfrey Campaigning for Obama, Under-funded, Ugly-ass Poorly-Planned Unnagraown Ray roe Museum Not-so-Free-dom Center . What's a little Section 8 housing gonna do?

~~ Witless is simply trying to get the Section 8 animals out of Westwood. United Way's Harpies from Home Owners Made to pay Extortion (HOME) are supposed to teach the Section 8 mamas how to act when they take their vouchers and use them in the suburbs, but HOME is too busy hassling small business owners who simply want their customers to order in English.

~~ Look what's happening in Over-the-Rhine since the Section 8 vouchers can be used elsewhere. The Obama Mamas have moved the hell out, and the now the OTR neighborhood is experiencing a renaissance. New upscale housing and restaurants and nice shops on Vine Street ! When the rats leave the nest, the cool cats move in!

~~ Section 8 is like the Ebonic Plague. The plague is now ruining Colerain Township , College Hill, Mt. Healthy , and Springfield Township for starters. Witless says "spread it around, let Indian Hill, Hyde Park and Mt. Lookout share some of the load." Are you kidding? These folks will fight to the death to keep Section 8 out.

~~ Our Clermont Crusader says whether traveling on Route 32, I-275, Glen-Este Withamsville Road, Clough Pike or Ferguson Drive, you will be confronted by thousands of yellow bows tied onto everything from fences to trees to stop signs and fire hydrants and small animals caught in the crossfire of ribbon hangers. It does raise the question as to who will be responsible for removing all of these yellow ribbons after Sunday's services.

~~ The funeral expected to take place at Great American Ballpark is looking more like a circus. At the Mulberry Kroger in Miami Township you can pick up a Matt Maupin t-shirt for ONLY $15 -- there are many on the shelves for sale. Supply is apparently high. On the day Matt Maupin's body is expected to be transported to the "Chuck Kubicki/ Ken Geis Union Township Civic Center ," we are told that police from numerous jurisdictions will be paying their officers overtime to line the parade route and stop traffic for the procession. Not to mention the hundreds of police officers who will be asked to do the same on the more than fifty mile trek his body will make from Union Township, downtown to GABP and then back up to Gate of Heaven Cemetery.

~~ Would it be wrong if the Yellow Ribbon Center planned to sell t-shirts with Matt's image on them at the funeral to raise funds for their operation? We guess that’s no more wrong than the local vendors who plan to be selling plastic American flags outside the stadium along with fake fuzzy beards for people to wear during the service so they can look just like Keith Maupin. Could it be that the Maupins have trademarked their son's image for use in future marketing promotions? The madness appears to have no end.

~~ TV news stations are still urging their dumbed-down, self-absorbed, media-influenced, celebrity-obsessed, politically-correct uninformed viewers with lit candles and fake, fuzzy beards to line the route between Lunken Airport and the Civic Center for Saturday’s Visitation of Fallen Hero Matt Maupin. Maupin County Commissioner Bob “Flag Tie” Proud expects more than a million and a half people to line the route.

~~ What kind of people are they looking for? The Yellow Ribbon Support Center says they need rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, half-wits, dim-wits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, horn-swagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank-robbers, ass-kickers, shit kickers, and Methodists.

~~ Also in the Second Congressional District, with only 194 more days till the November Election, perennial loser DemocRAT Icky Vicky Wulsin (Millionaire-Indian Hill) is offering an introduction to local campaign organizing on Sunday, May 4, at Xavier University, where you can hear all about the joys of envelope stuffing and working a phone bank.

~~ The Maupin County Police are still guessing Rob “Fighting Furiously for Failed Legacies” Portman’s chances of getting President Bush to fly in to deliver the eulogy are anywhere between 5 and 90 percent (but yesterday it was down to 4%).

~~ And with all that media hype, have you ever wondered why you still haven’t seen a single story about how much this tasteful, dignified funeral service at Great American Ball Park is going to cost, and who’s footing the bill?

~~ Which is probably why our Quote for Today Committee chose Neil Bogart’s “If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius - it wasn't hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just hype.”

~~ After reading the Blower’s Blast at Time Magazine “Earth Day Edition,” Conservative Curmudgeon Stu Mahlin fired off an angry e-mail to the Editor at Time Magazine, c/o TWX Investor Relations:

~~ After reading yesterday’s report about That FAT WHITE YOUNG MOTHER, wearing a large green shirt, who let her three kids loose in Forest Hill's Kroger on Friday night, Jerry says he thinks he saw the same woman at Ponderosa one time. One of her kids was racing down the aisle between tables and he stuck out his foot to stop him. Jerry asked the kid if he acted like a wild animal at home, or do they have a cage for him. The mother told Jerry to mind my own #$@#@^% business, to which he asked her if she, being a bitch herself, did she eat her young? That shut her up.

~~ Our City Hall Snitch says “Amen on people on public assistance emptying the trash.” He was in a deposition yesterday and the deponent had six kids (all by the same father- her former husband). She has never earned more than $5,000 per year and currently doesn’t work. She receives a little child support, free housing, and food stamps. The best part is that by earning 5,000 per year, she would get an additional $2,000 tax refund via the earned income credit.

~~ The Ohio Supreme Court has said a Columbus law is legal when it unanimously ruled that the City of Columbus ordinance banning pets that make noises that are "unreasonably loud or disturbing" is not too vague to be enforced. Maybe Mariemont can now keep dogs from barking after midnight and all day when left home alone!

~~ Sex-and-drugs proponent Kevin Bright, superintendent of the McMason school district, thinks he's one clever guy. Sadly, he's Not-So-Bright. A few days ago, Bright had one of his underlings release limited and distorted information to a flunky Fishwrap reporter and also to WCPO about the statutory rapist band teacher Adam Brown only because Bright was trying to cover his own ass and his complicity in that matter. Bright was explicitly told over a year ago about teacher Adam Brown's sexual activities with underage teenage students, and Bright chose to sit on his fat ass and condone it for over a year until it was probable public charges would be brought by one of the girls. Kevin Bright is one of the highest paid superintendents in the entire state of Ohio, yet he administers his job with blatant favoritism and cronyism, keeps on and advances teachers who have participated in wild sex-and-drugs parties, winks at and promotes Tom M. Morris who carried on a sex affair with a married teacher while he was the principal at her school and who had his Colorado teaching certificate revoked for purchasing alcohol and giving it to minor girls, vastly overpays his Public Relations person Tracey Carson who makes more than a hard-working classroom teacher, and has a Board of Education president, Ying Ling who raised and protects a convicted sex offender son who raped little boys. Nice going, Kevin Bright. McMason parents, watch your children!

~~ Remember, tomorrow is Happy Homo High School Day at Cincinnati Country Day, Finneytown, Indian Hill, St. Xavier, Walnut Hills, Western Hills, and Wyoming, where these enlightened schools will be promoting the homosexual agenda. Don’t the other schools realize homosexuality is a worthy lifestyle; that it has few or no risks; that some people are "born" homosexual, including students who never would have thought of such gross activities without teachers to tell them it was OK; and that those who oppose this behavior are hateful and uninformed?

~~ Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says there’s still time Goof Doofus supporters to e-mail us their entries for Friday’s limerick contest and support the Gooster’s using the dreaded “B-word” in a reference about dark-skinned Disingenuous DemocRAT Barrack Hussein Obama during a recent speech in Boone County . The first line of the limerick is “When you call a black politician a ‘boy’”

~~ Governor Steve Beshear has informed the press that he is cutting back on the Gala events that were part of Derby week along with the expensive diners. The Governor said it is embarrassing not to know which fork to use and besides, his tux is in the cleaners.

~~ The legislator from Boone County would like to inform the Firefighters who went to the White Castle after fighting the fire on Sunday on Limaburg Road that they need to understand that eating that food is what is causing their health care costs to skyrocket. The Firefighters need to go to Frisch’s and eat the fruit bar.

~~ In Y’All Ville, Mayor Blondie Whalen wanted us to say something nice about the Party Patio at the Florence Freedom’s games at Erpenbeck Stadium for this year. Your group can enjoy the game from the picnic tables and also have dinner from the Buffalo Bob's BBQ buffet at their own risk. Call 594-HITS today to get your group involved this season!

~~ The League of Women Vipers says according to their Official Whistleblower Bluegrass Primary Election Countdown Calendar, today there now only 26 more days until the primary elections on May 20, and most people are wondering just how low the turnout will be.

~~ Finally, don’t forget, tomorrow is the deadline for the Whistleblower Summer Interns Program, where applicants must also submit a 1,000-word-or-less essay on “Why it’s OK to Make Fun of Politicians.” Unemployed members of the Greater Cincinnati Society of Unprofessional Journalists need not apply.

~~ Finally, the CamBoozler almost cried when he saw this picture. It is absolutely gut wrenching. It shows the importance of being properly strapped in. The picture may be kind of hard to take for some of you. If you look closely, you can see what appears to be some survivors of the accident still in the wreckage. Although the picture is quite graphic, it makes you realize how quickly our loved ones can be taken from us. Our Whistleblower photographer stayed on the scene to help and, even though he performed mouth to mouth on quite a few of them, none of those survived.