— Special "English Version of
Our Illegal Aliens" Issue —
Monday, May 5, 2008
Kiss My Chalupa!
Non-Hispanic Lower Price Hill residents who don't yet "Habla
Espanol" may not be familiar with today's mucho grande "Cinco de Mayo
Festival." The "Fifth of May Celebration" gives our mendacious
news media something else to hype and commemorates just another Mexican
battlefield victory over the French. That victory eventually led to today's
illegal Mexican immigration and the spread of Taco Bell
restaurants all over America .
For Hispanics, Cinco de Mayo is a day of special music and parades, of
little girls in flowing, frilly dresses, of beer and barbecue, or those
homemade tamales with the little abueliteas only made by hand for special
occasions.
The Illegal Aliens Association says it's the one day each year they
can make the people they exploit feel really appreciated. Sources at the INS
say they're waiting to see how many illegal immigrants show up so they can
deport them.
How are Kneepad Liberals in the Press covering the event? Newspapers
are running special Mexican recipe sections. Until recent years, the
politically correct press had ignored the illegal alien problem (and the people
who exploit them) almost as long as they'd forgotten to mention Jungle Fever
and homosexual priests. Meanwhile, radio and TV sales departments are trying to
sell even more advertising to Mexican bars and restaurants. As Trish the Dish
so astutely observed last week, "This year Cinco de Mayo arrives on May
5." Our weather guesser from Waco
says, "If it rains, watch out for wet backs." Cincinnatus Standard
publisher Steve Fritsch will be mourning the fact that TV 12 salsa babe Sasha
Rionda is no longer on the air, so he’ll be watching reruns of her news
show en espanol. Judge $enora $tan Che$ley's law clerk will be cleaning up
"crappo de perro." And one TV 19 cunning linguist says, "If the
Cinco de Mayo Fiesta gets called off, will they have to hold the Mayo?"
Racial profiling is still a problem for Hispanics. It's been really bad
since S eptember 11. Many people
think just because Latinos have darker skins, they look a little like Arab
terrorists. Actually, two Arabs meeting on
Fountain S quare
last week were trying not to attract attention. One started to greet the other
in their native language, but the other waved him away saying, "We're in
America
now, Achmed. S peak
S panish."
Cincinnati Girly Man Mayor Dainty DemocRAT Mark Mallory says he's sorry
the City will only be able to stage a drive-by riot in Clifton on Cinco de Mayo
this year because featured entertainer, Rapper T.I. is unavailable, but when we
have as many lawbreaking Latinos as we have Blacks shooting each other along
the proposed route of the Trolley Folly, Mallory promises a full-scale
revolution.
And don't forget our other
Girly Man DemocRAT, David Pepperica. On Cinco de Mayo, he likes to dress up
like the Crisco Kid.
In Mason, Tom Ullum's Pleasure Inn has a new sign in the window:
"For S ervice,
S how Us Your Green Card."
Conservative Critic Will duRANT IV says over-taxed payers should
applaud Hispanic children who stay
home on Cinco de Mayo. Mrs. Buckwheat gave a big sigh of relief because this
year, Cinco de Mayo falls on a week day. Public schools' funding is determined, in
part, by average attendance. So, the more illegal children who go to school on
Cinco de Mayo, the greater the funding for the school district will be. Plus,
it would give a less accurate view of what the illegal student population is of
a school district so that over-taxed payers and voters won’t see how much
money is being spent on illegal immigrants’ children. If there were an
anti-tax organization out there doing its job, they should grab onto the attendance
numbers whenever Cinco de Mayo falls on a school day as a way to highlight how
much over-taxed payers are being gouged for illegals. This is why Mrs. Buckwheat calls this
year’s Cinco de Mayo twice as good.
The
Mt. Washington
Bakery has now snuck back across the Cincinnati
border, and is currently located across the street from the very American VFW Hall
on Sutton, so there’s no need to put American flags in the windows. With Cinco de Mayo and the
Kentucky Derby on the same weekend, Mexicans can stop off at River Downs before
their Cincy de Mayo festivities at Riverbend to celebrate their freedom, but
they shouldn’t be pissing on the trees, not with all those signs saying “No orine en
los árboles, por favor!” everywhere you look. Down at the soccer fields
on Kellogg, they still haven’t put up signs in Spanish that say “Bebidas
alcohólicas prohibidas,” so there’ll be plenty of
litter throughout every weekend.
Moises,
Julio, Alfredo, and Jose say Cinco de Mayo is not yet celebrated as part of an
official national three-day holiday weekend, but it probably will be, and well
before our Hispanic population hits 51%.
In Anderson
Township , Trustee
"In Russ We Trust?" Jackson says, "Even if our population
(excluding all that Section 8 housing) is only 95.9% Caucasian, you can still
find 437 Mexican restaurants that have not yet closed, and every one of them
will give you Montezuma's Revenge." The Forrest Gump
S kool Board still plans to change the
Anderson Redskins to
Aztecs. And Liberal loonies like Greater Andersonians Promoting Peace say we
should all feel just as guilty about Mexicans as we do about homosexuals,
Blacks, and other minorities.
Down at the The
Empty
Uppity Oprah Winfrey Campaigning for Obama, Under-funded, Ugly-ass
Poorly-Planned Unnagraown Ray roe
Museum Not-so-Free-dom Center, John Pepper has enough white guilt
for everybody, as his obsession with the public funding has truly shown.
In
Washington ,
That Lying Plagiarizing Meddling Overblown Tax-and-Spend RINO Bitch Mean Jean
“Hoffman” Schmidt has hired a translator so she can tell lies in
Spanish as easily as she does in English. Speaking as the Official Voice of the
Conservative Agenda, The Blower says Mean Jean is a no-good lying bitch in any
language.
Last year
“TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman had fun whacking the Mean Jean Piñata at
our Cinco de Mayo celebration, but this year he’s afraid Real Republicans
will be whacking away on him after he voted with the RINO-controlled Ohio House
to make Disingenuous DemocRAT Gay-venor Strickland’s $52.1 Billion
taxes-and-wasteful spending budget u-freaking-nanimous. Not only that,
“TaxKiller” is now trying to have the name of Cinco de Mayo changed
to honor Matt Maupin, but only in Maupin County. Speaking of which, it’s
been eight days since the Matt Maupin Funeral Fiasco and all those
“cintas amarillas” are still up along the
Matt Maupin Memorial Highway .
Returning home from Washington this
weekend Rob "Fighting for Frijoles" Portman lives in
Terrace Park
(98.2%), only the second most lily white community in
Hamilton County .
The really white section of Terrace
Park where Portman lives
is actually 99.9% White ass. Portman's neighbors say it would be 100%, but on
one of his junkets to Latin America with Bill Clinton, the Robmeister brought
back his live-in maid Consuelo. She still has another 17 years to work for free
just to pay for her air fare.
Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says
Senor Bob Castellini is upset he wasn't invited to the White House on Cinco de
Mayo to be honored for exploiting the peons at his salad factory. Bitch
McConnell says soft money contributions to Republicans can still be made in
pesos. Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis like to dress up as gay caballeros now that
Covington has a new law
saying Hispanic Homos can't be discriminated against. Phyllis on
Madison will give you a
Hispanic hand job. BJ. Our old friend Hayes "The Hit Man" Robertson
moved to Florida to be closer to
Latina Lesbians where he
died a happy man. Somebody e-mailed our good friend Bobby Leach a picture of
what was supposed to be a “taco,” but our porn checker says it
really wasn’t. Michael Liquid Plummer and Nathan “Cornbread”
Smith will celebrate tonight doing shots of Tequila at the
Fort Mitchell
Country Club. Jeni Lee Dinkel will be handing out candy to teenage boys who
come to her door on “Cinco de Chicos.” At Cov Cath, the
“M” in MILF stands for “mamacitas.” Kenton
County Commonwealth
Attorney E. Rob Sanders
says Bungals not on house arrest should stay north of the border this weekend. Patsy Crowley is a
“periodista perezoso” (lazy reporter) in any language. Miss Vicki
wants to know how you
say “short leash” in Spanish. Blackjack Brian Richmond says the only way he
was able to pass the bar exam was with an on-line course from Tijuana U. Gex "Rhymes with
Sex" Williams wants everybody to know that his name also rhymes with
"Mex." Don Pablos says they plan to stock up on extra burritos, in
case Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Carlos Foster Kane and Clueless Lobbyist
Marc Wilson stop by for lunch today. Mischievous Mike Sadouskas says
they’ll be working on a Spanish version of the Flashlight Theatre Music
Video. Y’All Ville Mayor Blondie Whalen has invited us to attend on
Margaritas Night, and even if Cinco de Mayo isn't officially celebrated in
Covington like St. Patrick's Day, guys at
Mainstrasse
Village Pub say, "Senoritas can
still come in and get drunk and show us their magnifico maracas." And with the Official
Whistleblower Bluegrass Primary Election Countdown Calendar saying there are
only 15 more days until the Bluegrass primary elections today, Ken CamBoo
wonders in ballots will also be printed en español.
All of which is why
our Quote for Today Committee picked Billy Connolly’s “If Jesus was
a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?”
Now from the archives of award-winning illustrator
Artis Conception we invite you to our Cinci de Mayo celebration
HI S PANIC
S DI S CRIMINATION
HOT LINE
e-mail
your salsa snitches to whistleblower@cinci.rr.com.
REMEMBER WHAT WE ALWAYS SAY, GRINGOS: Si usted no puede mejorar las noticias,
usted debe ni lo informa. (If you can't improve on the news, you shouldn't even
be reporting it.)
Some vile-and-disgusting items in today's Blower
were sent in by our equally vile-and-disgusting subscribers.
To
be considered for an e-mail subscription to The Whistleblower Newswire, persons
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The Special Whistleblower
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Note: people who work in government offices should
be receiving The Whistleblower on their home computers because we do not
approve of public servants wasting time reading this trash on over-taxed
payers’ time (except when you have something to snitch).
Links of the Day
Cinco de Mayo Test
Play “Border
Patrol”
How to talk dirty in
Spanish
You can still be offended by the Blower on
the Internet at The
Cincinnatus Standard
