----- Roses are red. Violets are blue. I’ll raise you taxes and there’s nothing you can do. —A Valentine from Hillary

----- George Bush says I’m conservative. Has he ever lied to you? —John McCain

----- People around Ohio are starting to notice that Gayvenor Strickland campaigned as a gambling foe, but during his first year in office he presided over an expansion of the state lottery and he now wants to bring bring fast-draw Keno to Ohio. —Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders

----- Hey, everybody—we only have three more weeks to go. When will somebody finally start running some attack ads? —Greedy TV Ad Salesmen

----- Just because Idiotorial Board editor David Wells wouldn’t answer questions honestly about the Fishwrap’s Idiotorial Board endorsements doesn’t mean you should doubt our honesty. —Skaggie Maggie

----- The way I remember my Hypocritic Oath, it says, “First, do no harm.” —Disgraceful DemocRAT Icky Vicky Wulsin (Millionaire-Indian Hill)

----- Somebody needs to demand that the current leaders of the Hamilton County Republican Party defend their shameful stewardship. —The Ghost of Ronald Reagan

----- I’m willing to go anywhere at any time and publicly defend my record as the Temporary Hamilton County RINO Party Boss. — George Vincent

----- I’m willing to go anywhere at any time and publicly defend his record too! —Demo-Labor Party Boss Tim Burka

----- Did you see my guest column in Sunday’s Fishwrap where I claimed the Empty Uppity Oprah Winfrey Campaigning for Obama, Under-funded, Ugly-ass Unnagraown Ray roe Museum Freedom Center has to keep reinventing itself to keep alive our hopes of scamming the over-taxed payers? — Guilt Center CEO Donald Murphy

----- Speaking of the high cost of “public service” these days, did anybody notice how our name rhymes with “salary?” —The Mendacious Mallory Family

----- February is the perfect time for Black History month, since Mother Nature invariably makes it the whitest month of the year. —Weather Guessers on TV

----- Why didn’t we have any coverage of that fire that burned for six hours in downtown Lawrenceburg on Sunday? We were all standing in line to get our kids into a magnet school. —Freeloading Fishwrappers

----- After attending that two-day caviar and shrimp FCPS retreat this past weekend the only thing I reported was that the Bored intends to do a superintendent search. —Full-of-It Fishwrapper Ben Fischer

------ Is it true my Failed Cincinnati Public $chools Bored plans to announce in June that they can’t find anybody appropriate to replace me and the over-taxed payers will be stuck with me again? —Mrs. Buckwheat

----- Just because I claim to be a candidate of lower taxes doesn't mean I voted against the Simon Leis Super-sized Jail Tax Scam, just the way Bill “The Ethnic Cleanser” Seitz would’ve. —State Rep-Tile Bob Mecklenborg

----- Since he’s endorsing me, it’s only right that my signs look like “TaxKiller Tom’s.” —“In Russ We Trust” Jackson

----- It’s so hard to remember all those cronies running for county commissioner, just think of us. —Archie and the Jugheads

------ Here’s how do you know when there’s a big MILF shortage in MILF-ord: When three of our ninth grade basketball players have to hold down another boy just to get him to suck their dicks. —MILF-ord Bored of Ejaculation

----- Last weekend, you won't believe the number of guys in Northern Kentucky who called trying to wheedle an invitation to Miss Vickie’s Valentine's Day Party. —Ken CamBoo

------ Valentine's Day erections lasting more than four hours, although somewhat rare, can be extremely dangerous and require immediate medical attention— uptight bitches in Ft. Mitchell — not. —The Kenton County Coroner

----- Here’s a cold-weather reference you missed: In Northern Kentucky , it is colder than a warlock's penis! —Hattie the Witch

----- I remember the good old days when I used to use my column to plug restaurants in Podunk so I can get free meals on Valentine's Day. —Nick Looney

----- Tomorrow we're serving heart-shaped baloney sandwiches at the Kenton Kounty Escape Center . — Terry "The Smiling Jailer" Carl

----- Do you remember Christopher Perry, that guy from Vanilla Hills who stole all those panties from Victoria ’s Secret? He was a really romantic son of a gun. — Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E. Rob Sanders

----- Do you remember when my "Top Gun" sexual enhancement products you heard advertised on the radio made wonderful Valentine's Day gifts? —Ken "Top Gun" Lucas

----- Do you remember when our Congressman exploited us by making us send Valentines to veterans? —Children in Ft. Thomas

----- Do they have any special Valentines for bad little boys who need a spanking? —DemocRAT Dominatrix Kathy Groob and Mrs. Robinson

----- Do they have any special Valentines for women who fake their orgasms? —Up Tight Bitches in Fort Mitchell

----- Do they have any special Valentines for women with whom you've had a three way? —Paul Patton Her on the Ass

----- Do they have Valentines you can send to a sheep? —Gex “Rhymes With Sex” Williams

----- If a lobbyist sent somebody a Valentine, would that be considered a bribe? —Clueless Marc Wilson

----- How about a Valentine's Day fund-raiser? —Goof Doofus

----- Do they still make heart-shaped probes? —Dick Murgatax

----- I always go insane when somebody doesn't send me a Valentine. —Eric "Call me Crazy" Deters

----- Women looking for love in all the wrong places are always welcome on Valentine's Day. —Mainstrasse Bars

----- Although the number of sexually oriented businesses in Northern Kentucky has shrunk in recent years, you can still always get a quick hand job on Valentine's Day. —Phyllis on Madison

----- How do you get to MILF-ord High School ? —Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis

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