About this time of year, people who earn their ill-gotten gains in the public relations business are so busy patting themselves on the back that they're not getting much work done.

After all, if you'd just laid the 2008 Valentine's Day guilt trip on all those dumbed-down, self-absorbed, media-influenced, celebrity-obsessed, politically correct American people, you'd be busting your buttons too.

Valentine's Day used to be just for kids. They just said "To My Valentine." Every second-grader could buy enough cards for the entire school for about a quarter.

Now, adults and adulteresses have about a million different "special cards." Besides cards for fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, sweethearts-male, and sweethearts-female, Valentines for mistresses past, present, and future are also available.

They have Valentines for people you like and Valentines for people you hate. They have old-fashioned Valentines, contemporary Valentines, Miss Piggy Valentines, Bill Clinton Valentines, same-sex Valentines, Ragu Pizza Quick Sauce Valentines, Valentines for people with Ghiz all over their faces, and even Valentines for That Lying Plagiarizing Meddling Overblown Tax-and-Spend RINO Bitch Mean Jean “Hoffman” Schmidt, Valentines from the Auditors office showing you how much they just jacked up your property values, and free-home delivery of Valentine’s Day dildos from Patty Brisben’s Pure Romance for uptight bitches in Fort Mitchell who fake their orgasms and Strauss & Troy spouses.

There are serious Valentines with profound messages like "I love you a lot." There are humorous Valentines that say things like "I love you... because you have a big penis." And there are not-so-humorous Valentines that say "I love you a lot... even though you have a small penis."

They used to keep Valentines for gay people in closets behind the Hallmark displays, but today they're right out in the open with the rest of the DemoCRAT left-wing extremist cards.

We have Valentines for your butcher, baker, candlestick maker, plumber, and cable-TV repairman are now obligatory-- that's if you don't want to wait six months for your next service call. There are even "Sorry I forgot to send you a Valentine's Day card" cards for people you overlooked.

True, the folks who've promoted Valentine's Day have good reason to be proud. They've done a great job bringing love to the world.

But their task won't be complete until they come out with alimony checks decorated with little cupids and hearts so that the value of someone's affections will never be forgotten.

But the guy most responsible for making Valentine's Day a commercial success was Al Capone. Times were bad. Valentines weren't selling. So the greeting card companies hired Capone to stage a media event in a Chicago garage. The St. Valentine's Day Massacre must've worked. This year more than a gazillion Valentine's Day cards will be sent.

For a long time we thought Valentine's Day had been invented by the candy companies or the Dental Association. For a while, they were thinking about changing the name to Whitman's Sampler Day. Don't you hate it when they only give you one chocolate-covered cherry and nobody will touch your nougats?

Politically correct feminists want Valentine's Day to become "V-Day," standing for Vagina, Violence (committed by men against women), and Victory. Rather than taking 24 hours to celebrate romantic love, women are admonished to sit around and whine all day.

The best thing is to get married on Valentine's Day (like our Beloved Publisher Charles Foster Kane). Besides showing her how much you love her, you'll save buying one present each year. Even better, marry somebody whose birthday is on Valentine's Day too.

Now let's see... what can we send that special someone for Valentine's Day? Mushy cards are up to about eighteen dollars. She always grabs the chocolate-covered cherries and won't touch your nougats. We could send her to the Toyota dealer. They're having a romantic Valentine's Day special on lube jobs. But no...

It's time to get back to basics. Let's remember the real meaning of Valentine's Day. Does anybody know where we can find a goat?

In his Valentine's Day dating tips for horny guys, Bobby Leach says you should always be politically correct.

Don't call her a "babe" or a "chick." She's a "breasted American."

Don't say she's a "screamer" or a "moaner." Call her "vocally appreciative."

Don't say she's "been around." She's a "previously-enjoyed companion." And don't call her "easy." She's just "horizontally accessible."

Today it's Miss Piggy’s Top Ten Things A Man Should Never Say Out Loud While Shopping in Victoria's Secret for a Valentine's Day present:

10. Mom will love this.

9. No thanks. Just sniffing.

8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

7. Does this come in children's sizes?

6. The size won't matter. She's inflatable.

5. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.

4. Will you model this for me?

3. The "Miracle" what? This is better than world peace!

2. $45? She's just gonna end up naked!

And the number one thing that a man should never say while shopping in Victoria 's Secret for a Valentine's Day present is... But, DEBBIE, you'll NEVER squeeze your fat ass into that!

Before I met you,

My heart was so famished.

But now I'm fulfilled,

SO GO MAKE ME A SAMMICH!

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I see your face, when I am dreaming,

That's why I always wake up screaming.

---

I want to feel, your sweet embrace,

But don't take that paper bag, off of your face.

---

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,

Marrying you, really screwed up my life.

---

What could inspire such an amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka and one part lime.

I'd ask you to be my Valentine,

And then, my dear, you would be mine.

You could even be my queen,

If only you weren't so goddamn mean.

I thought that I could love no other,

Until, that is, I had sex with your brother.