~~ How could you possibly consider voting for a presidential candidate who is so immoral he would plagiarize? —Hillary

~~ You say plagiarism like it’s worse than getting a blow job from an intern in the Oval Office. —Obama

~~ You say plagiarism like it’s a bad thing. —Joe Biden

~~ According to our Funkin' Wagnall's, the proper spelling for yesterday's invented holiday is "Presidents' Day," not "President's Day" or "Presidents Day.” —Sidney Spellchecker

~~ Why didn’t you just wish everybody a happy patri-idiotic Washington- Adams- Jefferson- Madison- Monroe- Adams- Jackson- Van Buren- Harrison- Tyler- Polk- Taylor- Fillmore- Pierce- Buchanan- Lincoln- Johnson- Grant- Hayes- Garfield- Arthur- Cleveland- Harrison- McKinley- Roosevelt- Taft-Wilson- Harding- Coolidge- Hoover- Roosevelt- Truman- Eisenhower- Kennedy- Johnson- Nixon- Ford- Carter- Reagan- Bush 41- Clinton- Bush 43 Day? —Hurley the Historian

~~ Payments from Hillary’s and Obama’s campaigns to influence public-service minded super duper delegates like Cincinnati ’s Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory are no big deal. —Kneepad Liberals in the Press Who Refuse to Report It

~~ John McCain picked up 50 national convention delegates from Michigan and Louisiana over the weekend, not that anybody gives a big rat’s ass. —Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders

~~ Want to know why Obama is winning in primaries during February? It’s Black History Month. —NAALCP President Chris Smithermouh

~~ With only 14 more days till Ohio’s March 4 Primary Elections, tonight’s big public forum at the 20th Century Theatre in Oakley will feature free admission to hear stooges for Hillary and Obama, real appearances by Ditzy DemocRAT Icky Vicky Wulsin (Millionaire-Indian Hill) and Republican-Turned-DemocRAT Steve Black, along with a cash bar. —Demo-Labor Party Boss Tim Burka

~~ Don’t forget next Monday when I try to defend my reprehensible record at the Blue Chip Young Republicans meeting. — Temporary Hamilton County RINO Party Boss George Vincent

~~ Hey, everybody—we only have two more weeks to go. When will somebody finally start running some attack ads? —Greedy TV Ad Salesmen

~~ It’s a good thing I’m not running for re-election in Clermont County this year, what with even people in Kentucky reminding me about my Amy Baker plea bargain. —Portly Part-time Prosecutor Don White

~~ People are still asking me about my vote in Congress to stimulate the economy of Mexico by sending tax rebates to illegal immigrants. —That Lying Plagiarizing Meddling Overblown Tax-and-Spend RINO Bitch Mean Jean “Hoffman” Schmidt

~~ People keep telling me I should’ve listened to the Whistleblower’s repeated warnings when I groveled before the idiotorial board at the Fishwrap last Thursday and got screwed by Skaggie Maggie and her minions for the fifth straight time. —“TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman

~~ Now that Speedo has just introduced its snazzy new lzr swim thiong, should I have my photo taken wearing one with my knees apart? —Dr. Lawsie Wulsin

~~ Do you think it would be OK if we started selling fresh cadavers at our gift shop? — Museum Center CEO Doug McDonald

~~ Please don't look at my web site where I now say I'm pro-death penalty after I told the Hamilton County RINO Party last August that I was pro-life to "natural death", including being against the death penalty. People might think that I'll be anyone and do anything just to get a job. —Dour Dick Hammersmith

~~ We will not look at Dick Hammersmith's web site. We will remain ignorant of Dour Dick's sliding morals on his pro-life stance. Our backroom deal to endorse that Derelict remains firm even against the wishes of our founders, Dr. and Mrs. Willke, and the Ohio Right to Life. —The Sell-out Cincinnati Right to Life

~~ The State of Ohio 's web site will be in English. If someone wants it translated, the burden will be on them and not the over-taxed payers. Comprende, Amigo? —Bob "the Borg" Mecklenborg

~~ Other than “TaxKiller’s” pussy opponent who lost in the 2004 GOP Primary misspelling his not-yet-incarcerated-lobbyist endorser’s name on that slick mail piece he’d sent out, the 34th House District State Rep-tile contest has been a sure cure for insomnia. —Annoyed Andersonians

~~ How is our team different than the regular ninth-grade boys’ basketball team? On our team, nobody has to hold you down to get you suck one of the other boy’s dicks. —The MILF-ord High School Gay Boys’ Basketball Team

~~ We’re sorry the Blower’s Sunday e-dition was so late getting out, but it had to wait till Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane returned from his debut on “Flashlight Theatre.” — Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo

~~ No wonder TV critics are calling it the number one rated Saturday witching hour cable access TV show. —John Quichwarmer

~~ We fully support Mr. Kane. Sometimes sacrifices must be made in the name of art and progress. —“Mischievous Mike” Sadouskas, Flashlight Theatre Producer

~~ We hope all the damages to the studio were repaired before it opened for business this morning. —CPC Board of Directors

~~ You guys can say “Klaatu Barada Nikto” all you want, but I’m still going to vaporize your asses. —Gort

~~ Poor people can’t lose enough of their hard-earned money at race tracks. That’s why we have to build them casinos. —Governor Steve Beshear

~~ When you first heard about that $100 million attention-seeking stunt lawsuit against the New England Patriots, I’ll bet you could guess who filed it. —Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters

~~ I sure hope that Patsy Crowley doesn't do an open records request about my login password on the PVA's computer system. —The Double-Dipping Quitter Merrick Krey

~~ A lot of other people also misspelled yesterday’s holiday as “Presidents Day” —Feckless Fishwrappers

~~ In the Bluegrass, we spell it “President’s Day,” to honor Abraham Lincoln, since he was born in Kentucky . — Bluegrass Schoolmarms

~~ It was just another excuse for legislators to get drunk in Frankfort and get paid to miss work. —Senile State Senator Demon Nay Thayer

~~ Remember our big holiday is still scheduled for March 15. —Political Backstabbers

~~ And every guy I know plans to celebrate BB&BJ Day on March 20. —Bobby Leach

~~ Please tell Kevin “Mad Mick” Murphy to stop trying to find out my identity. He’s much too old for me. —Mrs. Robinson

~~ When is Confederate President’s Day? —TV 19 News

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