~~ Today’s edition of The Whistleblower is on a two-hour weather delay. Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane didn’t have any trouble walking downstairs to our office in the basement Friday morning; it’s just that he decided to sleep in like the rest of the slackers. That’s because our Official Snow Policy states: When the Forrest Gump $kool District is closed, and Mercy Health Plex is still open (but all classes have been cancelled all day), The Blower will still be over for business. So while we’re all waiting for The Blower to process all of today’s snitches and bitches sent in by our readers, here’s some cold weather crap to warm the cockles of your heart, in you know what we mean.

~~ One of the guys found a new use for duct tape. He put it across the bottom of his TV screen so he doesn’t have to watch all those school closings. Wouldn’t it be easier just to announce what’s still open? Or how just about flashing a message that says: “Everything’s closed. Stay home, Stupid!”

~~ Do you think there was enough snow hype in the news media? That commercial for Perfect North Slopes was really timely. Remember when that former TV weather guesser used to ask the young interns if they’d like to help him measure his inches? Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today comes from our good friend Bobby Leach, who says, “I remember one morning it was so cold, I woke up with nothing on but a thin girl.” And Bobby also says, “It doesn’t matter what the wind chill factor is outside, TV 12’s Sasha is one hot Mexican dish. Ole!”

~~ Why did they have to close all the schools anyway? It’s not because of the snow. It’s because of their lawyers. They don’t want to get sued for a million dollars every time some little bastard slips on the ice, because they couldn’t clear the student parking lot.

~~ Anderson Trustee “In Russ We Trust” Jackson says, “We don’t have to declare a snow emergency in our affluent community, because all our township roads are heated.” Trustee Pouting Peggy Reis says she got the last roll of toilet paper in Kroger’s at the Anderson Food Court . One of the Sheriff’s Department’s “Citizens on Patrol” reported he saw a couple eating each other in one of the parked cars at the Food Court , but snow flurries had only just started and he didn’t think they were cannibals.

~~ The only thing better than owning a snow blower is your next door neighbor who doesn’t have to go into work with a brand new snow blower begging you to let him try it out on your driveway.

~~ Would you like to see why it takes so long to get the snow off the streets? Check out your over-taxed dollars at work.

~~ And why did it take so long to get the ice and snow off of Ohio ’s Interstates? That’s one thing you can’t blame on Boob Taft and the Republicans. But don’t look for anybody in the news media to criticize our Derelict DemocRATS. You know the Gayvenor has the best intentions.

~~ Revrum Lynchmob is complaining about all that white stuff on TV, especially during Black History Month. And did they close the Empty Uppity Oprah Winfrey Campaigning for Obama, Under-funded, Ugly-ass Poorly-Planned Unnagraown Ray roe Museum Not-so-Free” dom Center? Judging from their attendance figures, it would be hard to tell the difference.

~~ Was Me, Greg Hartmann’s 41st Birthday party/fund-raiser really cancelled this week because of a little snow, or was it just plain lack of interest?

~~ In Northern Kentucky, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says, “What a bunch of wussies! Even the Snow Plow Drivers Training Classes were called off.” CamBoo remembers last year when Vanilla Hills snow plow operators had to come to a complete stop at the intersection of Valley Trails Drive and Timberline to let a dumb-ass woman lead two small children toting a sled or snow board cross the street in front of the truck at 6 P.M. Had the woman been found, she would’ve been given a drug test. If she’d been hit, some ACLU ass hole would have sued Vanilla Hills, the driver, Mayor “Mischievous Mike” Sadouskas, and probably CamBoo (for watching). It’s hard enough for our hard-working road crew guys to do their jobs without all those idiots making their jobs harder.

~~ Finally, remember last week when Bunky Tadwell sent us a copy of his poem entitled “Winter” that simply said, “Jesus H. Christ, it’s cold out there! (The end)?” Well today, the Bard of Cleves has a fast four-liner about our climate:

They say there is Global Warming,

But if I may be so crass;

This friggin’ Global Warming,

Is really freezing my ass!