If only Saint Patrick were alive today, he could stop in at the White House, Congress, your State House, every city hall and courthouse in the tri-state, and especially at Hamilton County GOP Headquarters, where we just got rid of one of the biggest snakes in history. And if he had a spare minute, he could also do something about the League of Women Vipers. With a wave of his staff, he could give this traditional Irish Blessing, and what a wonderful world it would be:

"May the road rise to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm on your face. The rains fall soft upon your fields, and, until we meet again, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!"

Hurley the historian says today is officially St. Patrick's Day in Greater Cincinnati . That's when people of Irish descent have too much to drink, or as former Cincinnati Mayor Quisling Charlie Luken calls it, "Monday." Quisling wants to make St. Patrick's Day a real holiday, where people who drink too much can stay home and get paid for their hangovers. Charlie Windbag was having his volunteers call around to find 10 white people to march with him in the St. Patrick's Day parade to try to offset the 600 black people he already had coming. Downtown street vendors were selling Shamrock bracelets made of pure Irish gold. How could you tell? Your arm turned green as soon as you put them on.

In Washington, our DC Newbreaker says the traditional St. Patrick’s Day festivities started on Thursday on the Hill when That Lying Plagiarizing Meddling Overblown Tax-and-Spend RINO Bitch Mean Jean “Hoffman” Schmidt showed up without her makeup.

Even though it's Lent, Archbishop Danny Boy PIlarczyk says Catholics on the North Shore can eat corned beef and cabbage on St. Patrick's Day, and Bishop Foys (Rhymes with Boys) in Covington says it's OK for priests to beat their meat too, because this year St. Patrick's Day is not on a Friday. Bill Cunningham says meat served at Willie's Sports Cafe on St. Patrick's Day may be the traditional emerald green, but it will still probably be hepatitis-free. Meanwhile, Terry "The Smiling Jailer" Carl says, "It'll be seconds on green baloney sandwiches at both lunch and dinner at the Kenton County Escape Center today."

Kevin "Mad Mick" Murphy says on St. Patrick's Day, women who get drunk at bars on Mainstrasse should still expose their breasts. Phyllis on Madison will give you a "Hibernian," if you know what we mean. Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says former IRA terrorists will be ringing the Peace Bell in Newport, and history buffs like former NoKY ComPost staff writer Jim Reis will celebrate that time in 1866 when members of the Fenian movement planned to invade Canada, and hold it hostage till the British agreed to grant Ireland its freedom, but local lovers of Ireland realized the cause was doomed, got roaring drunk, and headed for California instead.

At today's Gay St. Patrick's Day parade in Cincinnati , Lesbian Leprechauns say the best part was watching Erin go bra-less. Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory will throw out the first homophobe. Some folks like painting their faces green and drinking green beer in public. Others like doing gay Irish dances. Sodomy Rites Activists Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis will try to show everybody their shillelaghs. Bud Fugger of Northside likes it when Sheriff Si Leis' bagpipers march over a ventilation grate and the air blows up their kilts so horny homos could see their balls. Jim TarBall says he's not gay, he just dresses that way. And homophobe Steve Chabot's hair waves in the breeze as he marches by. Many people think the follically challenged Congressman is wearing a furry green bowler, but it was only his latest comb-over colored green.

The Rhymin' Reverends will once again boycott the event. Revrum Lynchmob says police would be racially profiling all the Black Irish who wanted to participate. One of WLW Hate Radio racists-in-residence said it was because they don't like being called Irish Jigs

What's the biggest difference between Black History Month and St. Patrick's Day? On St. Patrick's Day everybody wants to be Irish, even Jews from Amberley and Hispanics from Lower Price Hill.

What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and an Irish wake? One less drunk.

Why do the Irish always drink so much? Have you ever tasted Irish food?

Our Quote for Today Committee chose this crappy Irish toast, which by the way just happens to be Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s goal in life: “May you die in bed at ninety-five years, shot by a jealous husband.”

What's Irish Alzheimer's? That's where you forget everything but your grudges. Around here we call it the Whistleblower Motto.

Today is St. Patrick's Day

When it's chic to wear green

And the girlies all dye their thongs

In hopes that they'll be seen.

An Irishman is a lover

A sex-ridden horny old elf.

His idea of foreplay?

“Get ready and brace yourself!”

Everyone is an Irishman

On each St. Patrick’s Day

But you should ask yourself—

Would you want to stay that way?

The smart ones got out of Ireland

To start a whole new life.

The dumb ones stayed at home

For days of toil and strife.

The Irish hold a parade

To celebrate St. Paddy’s Day.

They drink the city dry

And then there’s hell to pay.

May the road ahead be straight and smooth

May all your troubles pass.

May all your friends bring you cheer

And the wind blow up your ass.

Today's issue is brought to you by a generous donation from Hap’s Irish Pub, where you can still get drunk on your ass today even if you're not Irish.