~~ It’s time to “Spring Forward,” everybody. Now where’d we put the damn instructions for our new digital watch? Our Quote for Today Committee likes Gary Shandling’s “I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was on the night the clocks are set ahead.” But actually, as confusing as the reasons for Daylight Savings Time are, you shouldn’t forget Yogi Berra’s scientific explanation: “It gets late earlier out there.”

~~ Yesterday, with the entire region snowed in, we checked with some of our favorite folks to see how they were spending their Snowbound Saturday:

~~ In that 34th State Rep-tile District on the East Side, “In Russ We Trust” Jackson says he wishes it had snowed like this on Election Day.

~~ Second Congressional District Primary Runner-Up “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman says, “Me too!”

~~ Our Fishwrap delivery guy wonders if he should’ve used the orange wrappers, instead of the white ones.

~~ Bill Cunningham was thinking about all the snow he used to see in Saskatchewan during the Vietnam War.

~~ Hurley the Historian says on this date during the Revolutionary War, they had a lot of snow too.

~~ Rob “Fighting for Flurries” Portman spent the entire day Googling to see how if he was mentioned as a possible running mate for McCain.

~~ Cincinnati’s Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory was wondering why Kneepad Liberals in the Press were covering the snow story, instead of sucking up to him as a superdelgate for Obama.

~~ Odd Todd Opportune spent the day learning to throw a screwball. Why shouldn’t he throw out the first pitch on Opening Day? Temporary Hamilton County RINO Party Boss George Vincent let him run unopposed.

~~ Club for Growthers were counting the days till Hamilton County RINO Party Boss George Vince resigns in disgrace. A discredit to the Conservative movement, Vincent has a penchant for backing the most liberal of RINOs who have pissed away what was once glorious party. We figure that it is only a matter of days before Vincent follows his liberal RINO hero Lincoln Chaffee of Rhode Island and endorse Obama. One thing is for sure, John McCain would be best served in Southwest Ohio by staying the hell away of Vincent and his cronies.

~~ And now with the November Elections only 241 more days away, and the Blower’s prediction that Hamilton County will turn “Blue” in November, along with Ohio, incoming Party Boss Judge Alex Triantafilou (pronounced “Alex”) spent the whole day working on his to-do list. You won’t believe how long that list really is.

~~ Now that those Ohio primaries were over, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo was making a list of the interesting Northern Kentucky races to cover between now and May 20.

~~ Patsy Crowley was praying that Eastern Kentucky lawmaker wouldn’t succeed banning Kentuckians from anonymously posting information on his crappy blog.

~~ Folks in Peaselburg were wondering what all that snow would do to their hillsides.

~~ Uptight Bitches in Ft. Thomas are giving snow jobs.

~~ Global warming fans couldn’t stop wondering where Al Gore was when we really needed him.

~~ Rick “The BatBoy” Robinson was trying to think up an even stupider way to introduce his old boss, other than telling an audience “BeanBall Jim” Bunning had hit 187 batters.

~~ Political Backstabbers were getting ready for their big holiday on March 15.

~~ Bobby Leach was planning how he would like to celebrate BB&BJ Day on March 20.

Butler County, Kenton County, Hamilton County, and Cincinnati law enforcement officials have declared Level III emergencies, meaning only essential vehicles will be permitted on the roads.

The Whistleblower's 56th Annual Seediest Kids of All Campaign (not associated with the Failed United Way , where they think money grows on trees) is underway.

Were featuring some truly inspirational stories about the waifs and urchins we claim to have helped in Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky , just so you'll believe we give a rat's ass.

Why don't we have a more traditional holiday guilt campaign like the rest of the news media? No charity made our publisher its president in exchange for free publicity and our endorsement, we don't have a fat weatherman turned radio talk-show host who was never actually convicted of beating up his girlfriend, and all the really good dead celebrities other than Harriet Beecher Stowe "Clean Gene" Ruehlmann, and “BeanBall Jim” Bunning have already been taken.other than Harriet Beecher Stowe and "BeanBall Jim” Bunning have already been taken.

"Me, Greg" Hartmann was an attention-starved Hyde Park second-grader who was never chosen for anything important, no matter how much he sucked up to everybody at school. The reason everybody called him “Me, Greg,” was because he would always jump up and raise his hand and say, “Me, Me, Me!” But his teacher wouldn't even let him clean the erasers. Class officers wouldn't even support him for hall monitor. The principal wouldn't sign his petition for safety patrol. And the coach wouldn't even let him dress up in a gerbil suit to be the team mascot.

So the Seediest Kids of All (not affiliated with the Failed United Way) called Temporary Hamilton County GOP Party Boss George Vincent to arrange for an honor truly befitting "Me, Greg’s" talents and abilities, where he could appear as an example of what not to do at a so-called campaign school where losers were brought in to teach future candidates how to run unsuccessful campaigns. Shakedown lobbyists like Chippy Gerhardt and our Felonious Fund-raiser Dickie Weiland tried to get support from their sleazy lobbyist friends in Columbus, former philandering prosecutor Mike Allen offered his meaningless endorsement, Family Friendly Fascist Chris Finney advised "Me, Greg" to call his opponents an asshole, and Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane promised not to hold him up to public ridicule.

The Hartmann family is grateful to the Seediest Kids of All for helping "Me, Greg" reach his true potential, but it's really you they have to thank, because it's your liberal guilt giving and over-taxed payers’ dollars throughout the year which makes it all possible.