~~ You know the Fishwrap is really biased when you’re the most powerful Republican in Washington and with only 175 more days till the November Elections, they run a front-page puff piece about a joke 29-year-old DemocRAT grad student with no money whose wet dream is to “take me out” in the most Republican District in Congress, especially after I just got $1 million from “Baghdad Jim” McDermott. —GOP House Minority Leader John Boehner

~~ On this date in 2003, the Treasury Department introduced its new “colorized” $20 bill, and today, it’s worth about eighteen cents. —Hurley the Historian

~~ And it’s been sixteen days since the historic Maupin Funeral Fiasco, and the Fishwrap is still promoting Maupin Mania to the exclusion of those thousands of other fallen heroes. —Skaggie Maggie

~~ The Matt Maupin Memorial Mausoleum at our new 50-acre Maupin Land Theme Park will be the biggest attraction in Maupin County . —June Creager, Maupin County Convention & Visitors Bureau

~~ Wasn’t it nice of Mulberry Motors in Miami Township to provide Keith Maupin with a van so he could get to his full time paid job at the Yellow Ribbon Extortion Center ? —The Clermont Crusader

~~ You know we were scraping the bottom of the barrel when the only celebrity contestants for our local “Dancing With the Stars” show we could get were Hamilton County Senile Sheriff Simon Leis, Foxy Roxy, TV 9’s Jenell Walton, Midwest Latino president Michael Beck, Pam Myers, and WDBZ-AM (1230 BUZZ) talk host Lincoln Ware. — Cincinnati Arts Association Marketing Director Van Ackerman

~~ Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane and I could’ve danced their asses off. — That Lying Plagiarizing Meddling Overblown Tax-and-Spend RINO Bitch Mean Jean “Hoffman” Schmidt

~~ Monday’s Whistleblower was right. Republicans need real change to avoid disaster. —Newt Gingrich

~~ How will I know if John McCain intends to pick me as his running mate? If I get a freebie to his $4.600-a-person fund-raiser at Carl Lindner III’s estate in Indian Hill next month. —Rob “Fighting Furiously for Failed Legacies” Portman

~~ Please stop reminding people that I told them to hold us to a higher standard, so we could give them a government to be proud of in Ohio again. — Depraved DemocRAT Attorney General Marc Dann

~~ Did you see where the Ohio Republican Party says Dishonest Democrat candidate Rep. Steve Driehaus says Attorney General Marc Dann is wrong to stay in office, but he seems to have no problem pocketing the money Dann raised for him as the headliner for a fund-raising event back in December? —Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders

~~ It’s hard to criticize the writing in The Blower because every time we go to lunch, I give Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane some of his best material. — Hamilton County Prosecutor “JayWalking Joe” Deters

~~ Today the League of Women Vipers reminds everyone that our Official Whistleblower Bluegrass Primary Election Countdown Calendar says there are only 7 more days until the Bluegrass primary elections. — Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo

~~ What elections? —Northern Kentucky voters

~~ Is it too late to buy an ad? —Steve “I’m 5’0, Not 4’11” Mergele

~~ You think we’re not really looking ahead? Should we reschedule our November meeting just in case it falls on Election Day? — Covington City Commission

~~ Please don’t publish that love note somebody found in the garbage at the Kenton County Courthouse. It must undoubtedly be a fake. —Mrs. Robinson

~~ How can I possibly compete with a hunka hunka burning love like this? —Will “The Thrill” Terwort

~~ Shame on Mrs. Robinson, having lewd thoughts about a younger man! —Jeni Lee Dinkel

~~ This year’s Mother’s Day buffet at the Golden Corral was better than ever. —Clueless Marc Wilson

~~ Wherever I went on Mother's Day, everybody asked me what a MILF is. —Bobby Leach

~~ That’s why we chose this Mother’s Day Quote from Bob Monkhouse: “My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.” —Your Quote for Today Committee

~~ Don’t forget Opening Day for my Y’All Ville baseball team is coming up next week. —Mayor Blondie Whalen

~~ Hey, Everybody —Trish the Dish still wants to know when Unwed Teenage Mother’s Day is. —TV 19 News