— Special “Suffering Gas Pains” E-dition —

 

Friday, May 2, 2008

Another Crude Awakening

            Gasoline prices just hit $3.69-per-gallon and what’s Congress doing about it? Not a goddamn thing, the same they’ve been doing for years— except voting themselves pay raises. Now guess which Lying Plagiarizing Meddling Overblown Tax-and-Spend RINO Bitch Congresswoman voted for Boob Taft’s gas tax hike?

 

            In Columbus, Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders says, according to the Pain Dealer, the State Highway Patrol was called in Wednesday to investigate the apparent ransacking of the desk of one of two women who filed sexual-harassment complaints against their boss in Depraved DemocRAT Attorney General Marc Dann’s office. Speaking of this continuing Animal House corruption, isn't it past time for Gay-venor Strickland to get a backbone and tell Dann it's time to resign?  Or is Strickland too busy being the lapdog for Hillary Clinton to notice crime and corruption?

 

            It's hard to keep track of all the ever-increasing scandal in Marc Dann's office.  Each day brings new additions. The Blower told you about Dann aide Anthony Gutierrez, who was suspended (with pay) pending charges of sexual harassment.  We also told you he wrecked his state-owned SUV twice and never reported the accidents.  Now it turns out the married Gutierrez was also involved in a third vehicle crash last summer when he backed his state-owned vehicle into a truck owned by the father of one of the woman who accused him of sexual harassment.  Nothing like banging the girl and then banging her dad's truck.

 

            And did the police chiefs association really say Marc Dann tried to fly his floozy to Istanbul for a romantic Turkish Tryst?

 

            Hurley the Historian says on this date in 1933, the Loch Ness Monster was first spotted in Scotland . Just think how much time our cable news stations could waste on that story if it happened today.  

 

            Tuesday when Charles Foster Kane and “JayWalking Joe” Deters were having lunch at the Boathouse, the Hamilton County Prosecutor was telling our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher how many yoofs have been arrested since January 2008 along the crack track of the proposed Trolley Folly through the Killing Fields of Over-the-Rhine. You still won’t believe that number. Which is probably why Hess & Eisenhardt would have to armor plate the trolleys.

 

            It’s been five days since the historic Maupin Funeral Fiasco, and not a single member of the mendacious news media (especially TV 5’s Sandra and Sheree and their two military analysts, along with Huggable Howard and Barrett J. Brunsman at the Fishwrap) has reported the cost of all that Hype, who got the money, and who’s footing the bill.

 

            It’s also been five days and all those Yellow Ribbons are still up along the Matt Maupin Memorial Highway, and Whistleblower Truth Squad Investigative Reporter Fearless Ferrett found out according to the Ohio Revised Code, “Litter” means garbage, trash, waste, rubbish, ashes, cans, bottles, wire, paper, cartons, boxes, automobile parts, furniture, glass, or anything else of an unsightly or unsanitary nature (including raggedy yellow ribbons). Maybe the folks at the Yellow Ribbon Removal Center need a few more reminders (513-791-0381).

           

            But still, the Maupin Mania Hype continues. John “No Left Turns in Goshen ” Joseph says the East Fork Bass Anglers have renamed their annual kids fishing derby at Pattison Park in Owensville the "Matt Maupin Memorial Kids Fishing Tournament." It's a catch-and-release lake. If only Matt had received the same consideration.

 

            Not only that, a curious sect of polygamous perverts has been discovered in Maupin County, where all the men wear those hideous, scruffy white beards and their pre-teen wives wear pinafores.

 

            Whistleblower Senior National Political Affairs Analyst Britt Humus really liked reading Ann Coulter’s “Obama Campaign Gives Up On Finding 'Mr. Wright'.”  NewsMax TV shows us “Another Hillary Whopper,” and McCain is now promising billions in spending. Now could a Real Republican in Hamilton County press a button at 700 Walnut Street and have the lights go on among so-called Republicans in Washington, D.C., who keep trying to sell us on the laughable idea that John McCain really represents GOP principles, the Constitution, and the founding ideals of the Republic?

 

            Our Peaceful Anarchist O'Hood says by the time the Hoosiers vote on Tuesday, they’ll be as frightened by Hillary as we are by Mean Jean.  (Indiana is one big OH-02, with the exception of around Gary .) DNC insiders say after next week, Hillary should graciously step aside. That shouldn't be a problem. The Clintons have always bowed out gracefully.

 

            Meanwhile at tomorrow’s First Annual RINO-free Campaign School from 9 A.M. to 4 P.M. at the Ramada Inn at 800 West Eighth Street in Cincinnati, where the Party guarantees attendees double their money back if they don’t win their next election, political consultants Mark Weaver and Mike McNamara will tell you about all the losers they’ve handled, and Jonathan Gormley from the Ohio RINO Party will try to keep a straight face when he explains everything Republicans in Columbus learned from their humiliating defeats in 2006. Which is why our Quote for Today Committee chose George Santayana’s “Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”

 

            And in Butler County , word is another shoe is about to drop on our Rascally Republicans. (remember when Auditor Kay Rogers was removed from office?) We hear one of the old time good guys is about to get slammed.

 

            Finally, the “WeDemand” Coalition has found something else to bitch about and is scheduling a major announcement on the front steps of Cincinnati City Hall, Monday, May 5, 2008 at noon to announce their unified support for a major imitative for Cincinnati (whatever the hell that means.)

 

 

Bluegrass Blather

            Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo just got a copy of the Kentucky Fishwrap Profile of District Judge Primary Candidate Ken Easterling.

 

            Yokels from Y’All Ville say if the Obama people come out and announce that they are opening their Boone County Campaign Headquarters at the Mosque on Burlington Pike, that means that the people at the library have not been able to remove that guilty white guy that showed up at the Republican Debate Tuesday night. Wonder why the three Judge Defectives did not have a McCain table set up next to Obama’s table? When can we expect to receive a picture of the three Judge Executives from Northern Kentucky with John McCain asking for a donation and your support like they did with Dubya back in 04?

 

            Alan Brushes-and-Combs, the Liberal Analyst for the Whistleblower from Boone County , reports that after watching the Forum at the new $28 Million Library with a $ 200 sound system believes two conclusions can be made from this debate. One is the Boone County Republican Party should consider asking John Schickel to run as a Representative from Boone County in the next election because he pretty much agreed with everything Charlie Walton said and it looks like we have two Republicans there who could work together. The second observation was that if the Fishwrap does not endorse Charlie Walton, Patsy Crowley will loose all his credibility as a Political Analyst. John Schickle is a very decent man and was probably a good jailer. Any of the people in that room who endorsed Schickel over Walton must fear being overshadowed by Walton. This debate will never make it to local Cable Stations and Walton will probably not get the Fishwrap endorsement, but that is not a bad thing. The good news of the evening was that Obama had one of those ten local supporters there and it wasn’t Ken Lucas.

 

            Patsy Crowley reports in his blog that Charlie Walton is spending his campaign war chest but his opponent John Shickle is saving his money. Ken CamBoo asked if this Shickle guy is a DemocRAT, because they seem to have a tendency to keep their campaign money for themselves.

 

            A Walton supporter from Walton says if you take a Will “The Thrill” Terwort sign and turn it inside out, it reads Walton for Senate.

 

            Our Homophobe from Hebron said all those people concerned about NKU paying for healthcare to same sex partners at NKU should not worry unless they are insured by the same carrier. If you are insured by them you may want to request information on the cost of an AIDS patient per year, just hope they are not smokers also.

 

            Finally, our source inside the CPC Studios advises us that the authorities have stepped up patrols in the Latonia area because of an 8,000% increase in UFO sightings by area residents. At the recent Telecommunications Board executive session, Air Force Colonel Tom Edwards advised the startled directors that the area is now considered an official UFO Hot Spot. Edwards, who is in charge of Saucer Field Activities in the Southeast Region, said virtually all previous Latonia sightings had been reported after local bars closed at 2am. As this photograph shows, saucers are now being seen in broad daylight. Edwards refused to comment when asked if there was any connection between the increased saucer sightings and the upcoming Flashlight Theater UFO crash site expose. Stay tuned.

 

 

Stories We're Working On

 Only 186 more days till the November Elections

 McCain Fund-raiser in 45243 on June 26

 Toilet Snoozer arrested again

 Streetvibes offers free home delivery to the homeless

 Queen boycotts this year’s Kentucky Derby

 How to steal your neighbor’s gas

 Opening Day in Florence on May 21

 

 

Whistleblower Web Poll           

          This week, here's who the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said was most embarrassed by the Maupin Funeral Fiasco:

            (A) The Cincinnati Reds for promising to fill Grave American Ball Park , when only 3,502 people showed up: 2%

            (B) Maupin Maniacs: 1%

            (C)  Shameless Politicians like Rob “Fighting Furiously for Failed Legacies” Portman for not bringing in President Bush to give the eulogy: 1%

            (D)  Kneepad Liberals in the Press who just couldn’t stop hyping: 96%

 

            Note: Everything we write doesn't have to be so cynical and mean-spirited, it's just so much more fun that way!

 

 

The Hype Starts Here

            This week, everybody who thought the Maupin Funeral Fiasco was the biggest Hype job in history, e-mailed his entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest. 

 

            The winner is Hypo Marx, the long lost Mark brother who followed Zeppo into obscurity. Hypo wins a “Day at the Races,” a “Night at the Opera,” and a lifetime supply of “Animal Crackers.” His winning limerick is: 

 

             For an event that you wish to hype,

             Regardless of political stripe,

             You need flag-draped remains

             And some funeral trains

            Just be sure that stiff corpse ain't too ripe!

 

         And from the Anderson Laureate (who’s still not successfully completed his racial sensitivity correspondence course):

 

            For an event that you wish to hype,

            You can't beat some stars and a stripe.

            And for something really weird,

            Grow a long goofy beard!

            But only if you're the sympathy-seeking type.

 

            The first line of next week's limerick is:

          “Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo”

 

       CHEAP GAS HOT LINE

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Link of the Day

A Video Portrait of Barack Hussein Obama

 

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