— Special “When Pigs Fly” E-dition —

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Happy Pig Day, Everybody!

Last week the local news media rat pack were hyping the hell out of the Matt Maupin Funeral Fiasco where after Reds Vice President of Ballpark Operations Declan Mullin promised a full house because the Reds bought into and were totally misled by the hype that Rob “Fighting Furiously for Failed Legacies” Portman was spreading that he would be able to bring in the President, but only 3,502 Maupin Maniacs actually showed up. This morning’s hype du jour is all about today’s Pig Marathon .

Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee paraphrased that old Purple Cow rhyme: "I've never seen a flying pig, I hope to never see one. But if I see a flying pig I'd rather see than be one.”

Our Good Friend Bobby Leach says, every time he sees some of the women running in the Flying Pig Marathon he realizes how the race got its name and says it reminds him of his college days when fraternities would sponsor “Pig Parties,” where the guy bringing the ugliest date won a prize. Speaking of which, with only 184 more days till the November Elections, we have a picture of Mean Jean (shown at right) flashing a victory sign after claiming victory in today’s 2008 Flying Pig Marathon which already appears on her campaign website.

Speaking of out of control frat boys at Delta House, Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders wonders if you saw that video of Depraved DemocRAT Attorney General Marc Dann when he was running for office? During his campaign he actually told a cheering crowd:“I want you to hold us to a higher standard. Are you willing to do that? If you elect us to office, we can give you government that you can be proud of again in Ohio.”

Speaking of low standards, when the Fishwrap published Jon Craig’s story about the Depraved DemocRAT’s Double Standards, guess how many times the word “DemocRAT” wasn’t used. Not only that, not a single local Disingenuous DemocRAT was willing to accept the obvious and call for Dann’s resignation (Pepper and Portune; Sherrod Brown; Dainty DemocRAT Cincinnati Mayor Mark Mallory; Demo-Labor Party Boss Tim Burka; Cincinnati Vice Mayor David Crowley; Dave Lane, chairman of the Clermont County Democratic Party; our Disingenuous DemocRAT Hamilton County Auditor who was allowed to run unopposed; along with Jeff Balding and Little Lord John Joseph Cranley IV).

A former Hamilton County Republican mayor (whose name you might know) says it was nice to see a picture of Monica BlewClintsky in yesterday's Blower. His honor hears that she will be voting for McCain because the DemocRATS left a bad taste in her mouth. We wonder how many times we’ll be seeing that joke between now and November 4.

And what's up with Green Township Trustee Chuck Mitchell? The Fishwrap today had an article stating that Mitchell announced his immediate resignation as trustee for "personal, professional, and political reasons." Could it be that the Chuckster got caught with his pants down at the Township Administration Building?

Conservative Cupcake Christa Criddle is telling all her Blue Chip Young Republican chums about CQ Politics’ “VP Madness” which pairs up potential VP candidates in brackets. Christa wants you to vote for Rob Portman. Don’t waste your time. It’ll never ever happen.

Speaking of Portman Folly, It’s been seven days since the historic Maupin Funeral Fiasco, and not a single member of the mendacious news media (especially Mark Sheldon at MLB.com who wrote “Services for Maupin expected to draw 40,000 to ballpark”), Joe Wessels publisher and Executive Director at CinDaily.com, TV 5’s Sandra and Sheree and their two military analysts, along with Huggable Howard and Barrett J. Brunsman at the Fishwrap) has reported the cost of all that Hype, who got the money, and who’s footing the bill.

It’s also been seven days and all those Yellow Ribbons are still up along the Matt Maupin Memorial Highway, and Whistleblower Truth Squad Investigative Reporter Fearless Ferrett says the Yellow Ribbon Litter Removal Hot Line is still waiting for your calls at 513-791-0981. Those hideous yellow yard signs you still see littering the landscape from the March GOP Primary Campaign should be delivered to Delev and Williams Attorneys, 1050 Delta Avenue, Suite 1000.

Whistleblower Senior National Political Affairs Analyst Britt Humus says since Obama and his sycophants are so fascinated by today’s Kentucky Derby , maybe the Obama camp will start calling their candidate “Big Brown.”

And wouldn’t it be funny if John Coyne and all the usual suspects were smoking outside the Landing in New Richmond on Friday night, when the lady with a wooden leg said her daughter (one of the original strippers at Deja Vu) never missed a Kentucky Derby and Clem from Clermont asked the daughter if that wasn’t a pretty long drive. “Of course not,” the daughter said, “It’s only about eight miles to River Downs.”

Right next door, this weekend was Cinci De Mayo at Riverbend, but Moises, Alfredo, Julio, and Jose say it won’t be the same this year without Sasha Rionda. Moises wonders if Sasha is blond south of the border. Ole!

Speaking of things that will never ever happen, our Clermont Crusader says the Fishwrap reported that Devious DemocRAT Hamilton County Commissioners Odd Todd Opportune and David A. Pepper were “endorsing” some no-name Dem to replaced scandal-plagued Mary Walker as a Clermont County Commissioner. Maybe this story should be filed in the “Who gives a big rat’s ass?” department. After all, if a Real Republican spending a gazillion dollars of his own money couldn’t get elected in the primary without the Crooked Crony’s’ Seal of Approval, what chance would some Dimwit DemocRAT have? No wonder nobody at the Fishwrap was pulling to take credit for that stupid story.

Want to see all those arrests since January 2008 along the crack track of the proposed Trolley Folly through the Killing Fields of Over-the-Rhine? You can check them out here.

Finally, when the “We Demand” Gang holds its big press conference on the front steps of Cincinnati City Hall, at noon on Monday, May 5, 2008, about their Red Light Camera Petitions, all media inquireies should be directed to Josh Krekeler and Josh Weitzman. Obviously, they’ll only be Joshing you.

Bluegrass Briefs

Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says Phil Taliaferro won the race to the Wood Family after 16-year-old Daniel Wood was killed after his school bus was struck by a dump truck Thursday morning, because Taliaferro's lawsuit has already been filed in Pendleton Circuit Court. Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters and $tan Che$ley, if you snooze, you lose.

With only 16 more days till the Bluegrass Primary Elections on May 20, the political analyst from the Blower wonders if the reason Patsy Crowley did not ask the two gentlemen running for Senator Row-dings seat any questions about illegal immigration had anything to do with the fact one of the gentlemen is endorsed by the Home Builders and the Fishwrap can’t afford to lose anymore advertisers. That’s just another reason why if you are going to do hard hitting reporting, you can’t be influenced by your advertisers.

Subscribers on the Whistleblower Special Insiders List were all agog after reading Linda Libel’s blog on Saturday because The Queen boycotted this year’s Kentucky Derby . Linda and Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane would’ve liked to have gotten together with Lizzie once again, since the pair have been exchanging Christmas cards with Her Majesty ever since that last time the three got together at Will Farish’s Lane’s End Farm in 1991. Linda remembers at last year’s Derby when everybody started showing family pictures to each other, and the Queen pulled out a photo of Prince Charles and his new wife Camilla.

Alternative Life-style Editors Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis like Derby Day at Churchill Downs when they sing “My Old Kentucky Home,” especially the part about the “Gay Darkies.”

Hurley the Historian says on this date in 1978, Northern Kentucky’s own Steve Cauthen won the 104th Kentucky Derby aboard Affirmed in 2:01.2.

The latest e-dition of “This Week in Kenton Circuit Court...” is on your cyber-news stands, where you can see why Kenton commonwealth Attorney E. Rob Sanders is not offering

Christopher Stanfill a plea deal after that six-week-old baby boy was brought to their Emergency Department with a serious head injury and bruising on his face and buttock.

The concern surrounding Northern Kentucky’s recent designation as a UFO Hot Spot has dramatically escalated. At a recent scientific symposium held at the Drawbridge Inn, Dr. Russell A. Marvin shocked the audience when he revealed that several satellites have been knocked out of orbit by an unknown force and crashed in Devou Park. Civil Defense teams are urging area residents to prepare. Most people have lined their basement shelves with bottled water and canned goods. Our beloved publisher of The Whistleblower Newswire and star of the cast of Flashlight Theater, Charles Foster Kane, has taken extra safeguards by purchasing 25 cases of .50 caliber tracer ammo. Mr. Kane can be seen Saturdays at midnight on Channel 22 or you can see his Flashlight Theater Music Video on Youtube. Stay tuned.